At the End
by csjr
Summary: My attempt to salvage something from the finale.
1. Chapter 1

**Note:** Some of the dialogue in the post-fainting scene is taken from the shooting script for the episode, which is available on the BBC website.

Martha stood staring out over the bridge. The phone in her pocket was ringing but she didn't even look to see who it was. There was nobody she wanted to talk to right now.

After eighteen years at Shoe Lane, her life there was over. And she had been forced out by the one person who'd been at her side all this time.

She hadn't even been able to make a speech. After all that had happened over the past few weeks, her increasing disillusionment over the criminal justice system, Sean being sent to prison for something he hadn't done and being betrayed by Clive more than she had thought possible, all she wanted was to be at home. She'd looked at Clive and Harriet sitting together, the perfect team, ready to turn her home into a prosecution-only set and suddenly she couldn't fight anymore.

After hearing Clive and Harriet together in her office, she'd left Billy and gone straight to the nearest bathroom to be sick. She was surprised by how much it hurt. She'd been expecting it for a while. If it hadn't been Harriet, it would have been Nicola or somebody else. She knew exactly what Clive was like. It was why she'd brushed off his flirting when they were pupils. It was why she'd pushed him away after that night in Nottingham. Still, there was a difference between knowing something, expecting something and actually hearing it.

Pushing the images out of her mind, she pulled her phone out of her coat. She had three missed calls from Clive. Then she heard "Miss!" and turned to see Billy struggling from across the road, Jake at his side.

* * *

_"I love you, Martha Costello."_

_Clive's face is sincere. Smiling for the first time since she lost her appeal, she takes his hand and leads him to the empty courtroom. After a few non-sequiturs about their favourite music, she throws caution to the wind. She kisses him fiercely, quickly growing more passionate as she flings her arms around him. He lets her take the lead, returning the kisses at a steady pace as she pushes off his jacket. He holds her tightly against him as she drinks in the kisses like air. She pauses momentarily to look at him._

_He smiles at her and in that moment he looks less like Clive Reader, QC and more like the 23-year-old boy she first met nearly twenty years ago. This is beginning to feel like a surreal dream. She closes her eyes-_

* * *

Clive had been walking around for nearly an hour looking for Martha. He felt irrationally irritated. Why did she have to do a disappearing act just as he had been made Head of Chambers? This was supposed to be his big moment. After all these years in Martha's shadow, he'd finally been recognised as being just as talented. He shrugged off the nagging sense of guilt that was gnawing at him. He'd tried to make it work with Martha. He'd told her how he felt, put himself on the line. And not only had she still kept him at arm's length, she'd gone all dewey-eyed over her psychopath ex, the woman beater and probable murderer. Was he supposed to keep waiting for her to change her mind? Was he meant to sacrifice his career for hers?

His phone rang and he quickly pulled it out of his pocket. He looked down expecting to see Martha's name, but it was Harriet calling. His heart sinking with disappointment, he slid to answer. "Hello?"

"Where are you?" Harriet practically shouted.

"I'm still looking for Martha."

"She's a big girl Clive, she can take care of herself."

"No, she wouldn't just go off like this without saying anything. I just want to check she's alright."

"You've just been made Head of Chambers. I've got solicitors coming over from the CPS wanting to talk to you. Martha probably just wants to make you look bad-"

"She wouldn't do that."

Harriet made an angry hissing noise. "Call me back when you've got your priorities sorted, Clive." She rang off.

* * *

_Martha sits with her back against the wall of the courtroom, Clive's arm around her shoulders. "I fainted."_

_"You swooned," Clive corrects helpfully._

_"That's not even a word anymore."_

_"In my arms. Just as I was about to kiss you. Full-on Barbara Cartland." Clive chuckles._

_"I hate you," Martha mutters._

_He kisses her forehead. "Can you stand?"_

_"I think so." He helps her to her feet. They leave the courtroom with Clive's arm still supporting Martha. Her clothes are dishevelled and so are his. God knows what people will think they've been doing._

_"Alright?" Clive murmurs as they reach the end of the corridor._

_She smiles up at him. "You go, your moment."_

* * *

Martha sat alone in the hospital. Being here brought back memories of when she had last come here by ambulance, when she was having the miscarriage. She felt just as lost as she had then, more so even. At least then she'd had Billy and Clive.

It had been quick. That's what the doctors had told her. Billy hadn't suffered at the end. Jake had gone back to Chambers to tell everyone what had happened. Billy had been his uncle. It was only right that he broke the news to the rest of Billy's family. "Are you going to be alright, Miss?"

Miss. It was a word that she most associated with Billy. "Of course I am."

Her phone was ringing again. She looked at it numbly. Clive's name flashed up on the screen and this time she answered.


	2. Chapter 2

**Note:** Thanks for the reviews of the first chapter. It was intended as a one-shot but I decided to continue due to the response, and because I still have lots of feelings about the end of Silk.

* * *

Martha had finally answered her phone. "Hello?"

"Martha? Where are you?" said Clive, torn between relief at hearing her voice, annoyance that it had taken this long and concern at the way she sounded.

"I'm at the hospital." Her voice sounded cracked and dry.

"What? What's happened? Are you alright?" Clive's mind went into overdrive. Was Martha hurt? Had she been attacked?

"It's Billy," Martha attempted to clear her throat. "He collapsed and he- he died, Clive."

"What?" Clive felt like he was in a dream. "I thought - he had months left-"

"The cancer had spread. He didn't tell anyone." Martha sounded like she was holding back a sob.

"Okay, Marth. I'm coming to get you."

* * *

_October 1997_

_Billy had taken Martha and Clive out for drinks to celebrate them both getting tenancy at the end of their pupillages. She'd overindulged in vodka and had ended up throwing up outside the pub while Clive held her hair back._

_"I bloody love you, Clive Reader," she slurred, having narrowly missed his shoes._

_"Yeah, you're a real charmer," he muttered._

_"Feeling okay, Miss?" Billy was standing in the pub doorway, cigarette in hand._

_"I love you and all, Billy." Martha lurched over to where Billy was. She tripped over her heel, falling backwards and landing flat on her back._

_"Jesus. Martha, are you alright?" Clive leaned over her._

_Martha stared up at him, confused. "Billy?"_

* * *

Clive sat down in the chair next to Martha. After a moment's silence he put his arm across her shoulders, but she shrugged it off. In the past, having Clive's arms around her had always made her feel safe, but right now the thought of him touching her made her feel sick.

"Marth-"

"Don't."

Clive sat back and put his head in his hands. "I only saw him a couple of hours ago, when we both went to look for you."

There was a question in his voice. "I needed to get away."

There was another silence, then Martha suddenly asked, "Who got Head of Chambers?"

"I did." Clive's voice was hollow.

Martha turned to look at him for the first time. "Congratulations. So, Shoe Lane is now a prosecution Chambers."

"Do you really want to talk about this now?"

"I want to go home." Martha's voice finally broke.

Clive nodded. "I'll call for a taxi."

* * *

_Clive and Billy scooped Martha up together and placed her in the back of a cab. Clive got in the taxi with her, assuring Billy that he would take care of her and telling the driver Martha's address. They arrived outside Martha's flat with Martha slumped against Clive's shoulder, and Clive paid the fare before helping Martha inside. __It was the first time Clive had been in her flat and he looked around with interest._

_Five minutes later Martha sat on her sofa surrounded by cushions while Clive clattered around in the kitchen. He emerged and handed her a glass of water. "I can't believe we're not pupils anymore."_

_"I know," Martha put her hand to her head, which was already beginning to throb. There was a huge pile of case files lying on her coffee table. "We're real barristers now."_

_"Doesn't feel real, does it?"_

_Martha looked at him. She'd got to know Clive fairly well over the last twelve months. Her first impression of him had been of an arrogant public school boy, and that was partly right, but she'd also glimpsed the other side of Clive Reader, someone who could be kind and gentle, someone slightly insecure. "I'm glad we both got tenancy."_

_"Me too."_

* * *

Martha and Clive climbed the steps to her flat. She unlocked the door and turned to face him. "Goodnight, then."

Clive had clearly expected to be invited in. "You shouldn't be alone right now."

"I want to be alone."

Clive stared at her for a moment, then sighed and stepped down. "Okay. Well, if you need anything..."

Martha watched him walk away. She pushed her door open and stepped inside, letting it shut without bothering to turn the lights on. She locked and bolted everything from the inside and let herself sink to the floor.

Then the tears came.

* * *

Walking into Chambers the next day was one of the hardest things Martha had ever done. There was a hushed silence in the clerks' room as she walked through. John nodded at her and Bethany gave her a wan smile, which she couldn't quite return. Harriet was there too but Martha didn't look at her, just swept into her own room and began gathering files.

Clive was already sitting at his desk. "What are you doing?"

"Taking my cases home."

"You don't have to return them yet. There's a transition period-"

"I'm not returning anything. These are my clients, whatever you and your new girlfriend decide to do."

"It's not like that, Marth." Clive stood up and came to stand next to her. He lowered his voice. "Nothing happened between me and Harriet until you'd made it clear you weren't interested."

"When did I make that clear?"

"You chose Sean over me." Martha scoffed and turned away. "You know you did. Even after he beat me up, you still took his side-"

"So you screwed Harriet to punish me?" Martha shouted.

Clive flinched at her anger. "No. I'm just... getting on with my life."

"Well, you're not going to do it at the expense of Chambers. This is my home too and I'm not going to let you and Harriet take it away."

"What are you going to do?"

"Contact the Bar Standards Board. Doing deals with the CPS and forcing perfectly good defence barristers to prosecute is unethical and you know it."

"You can't do that."

"Can't I?"

Clive rubbed his head. "You're absolutely impossible, you know that?"

Martha shrugged. "It's why you love me."

* * *

"Clive, you absolutely CANNOT let her contact the BSB."

Clive and Harriet were standing outside the clerks' room, speaking in hushed voices.

"How am I meant to stop her? She's right, she and the other defence barristers here might have a case-"

"No one else is going to complain, not when they see how much work they're getting. It's just Martha who needs to be dealt with."

"What am I supposed to do?"demanded Clive.

Harriet thought, then leaned in. "Sweet-talk her. Seduce her. Pledge your undying love. Do whatever it takes to get her to stop."

She turned and walked back into the clerks' room, leaving Clive feeling very confused.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer:** Silk isn't mine, if it was it would have had a proper ending. Lines from 'Jerusalem' and the poem used with respect for the original sources.

* * *

Martha spent the next week planning Billy's funeral with Jake. It was exhausting and consumed all of her thoughts, so she had no time to think about Clive, Chambers or Harriet. In a way that was a blessing. The service was planned down to the last detail. 'Jerusalem' was the song chosen to open proceedings, then Jake would read a poem and John and Martha would each say a few words. Afterwards everyone would go back to Shoe Lane for a few drinks. Billy would have wanted it like that. Martha had sent Clive a short, formal email requesting permission for the wake to be held there. Clive had replied equally formally, saying that of course that was fine.

When the day came Martha opened her eyes to find sunlight streaming in through the window. It looked like it was going to be a glorious day outside. She rose and dressed with a heavy sensation in her stomach, sliding into a long black dress and putting on pieces of jewellery which she seldom wore.

* * *

Clive was standing by Martha's desk. He was staring at the photograph she kept there, of her and Billy just after she had got silk. Billy looked like a proud father with his arm around Martha. There were footsteps behind him and he quickly put the frame down as Harriet approached. She smiled at him sympathetically. "OK?"

He nodded. "Today is going to be hard."

She put her hand on his arm. "I was thinking, the wake might be an opportunity for you to smooth things over with Martha."

He looked at her, startled. "What do you mean?"

"Get her to drop this action against Chambers. She'll be vulnerable, open to suggestion..."

He exhaled. "You can't be serious."

"I told you Clive, do whatever it takes. Take her to bed if you have to."

"Look, I don't want to hurt her, I just want this over with."

"Me too. We have to protect Chambers. Once you've persuaded her to drop it, we can all move on." Clive avoided her eyes. "Unless you still have feelings for her?"

Clive hadn't got this far without knowing how to lie. "Of course I don't."

* * *

John and Jake were the coffin-bearers, along with Billy's brother and another one of his nephews. Martha followed the coffin into the crematorium and slid into the second row of seats. The chairs gradually filled out, people murmuring greetings and nodding as they passed. Clive entered, closely followed by Harriet. Martha kept her eyes averted.

When everyone was seated and the organ began to play, everyone rose to their feet and began to sing. "_And did those feet in ancient time..." _Martha allowed herself a glance at Clive, who was singing with the rest of the room, his eyes fixed on the lyrics on the hymn sheet. When the song was over and everyone had settled back in their seats, Jake walked quietly up to the front, a sheet of paper in his hands. He turned and cleared his throat, placing the poem on the stand in front of him before beginning to read.

"_Do not stand at my grave and weep..."_

* * *

Clive's heart felt heavy in his chest. He had never been to a funeral before. Ridiculous for a man now in his forties, but his grandparents had died when he was too young to remember them and his parents were still alive and well. He looked across at Martha, who was sitting on the opposite side of the crematorium. She looked so beautiful and fragile, clutching a tissue in one hand. He wished he was sitting next to her, able to comfort her, instead of being separated by a wall of other people, Harriet at his other side.

"_Do not stand at my grave and cry. I am not there, I did not die._"

Jake finished the poem and stepped down. As he walked back to his seat, John got up and took his place. His speech about Billy was cheerful and full of good memories of him ducking and diving. There were a few laughs scattered throughout; Clive even smiled a couple of times. John ended by saying what a good friend Billy was and how he would miss him. A few people dabbed at their eyes as he finished.

Then it was Martha's turn.

* * *

Martha could feel all eyes on her as she got to her feet. She dropped her tissue and had to pick it up before making her way past the row of seats. Standing up at the front, she was touched to see how many different people had turned out for today. There were judges, solicitors, clerks from other chambers, even former pupils. She felt strangely flustered about speaking in front of this crowd. _Just pretend you're in court._

"When I first came to London, I didn't know anyone. I was twenty-two. I was so nervous about starting my pupillage." Her eyes automatically flicked to Clive again. "Billy took me under his wing right from the start. As far as he was concerned, our chambers was a family. He was always there for me, looking out for me. He never stopped. And when my dad died..." Her voice wavered. "He pulled out all the stops to make sure I could get back to Bolton in time. He would have done anything for me, for any of us." People were crying openly in their seats now. "I don't know what I'm going to do without him."

* * *

Funerals are exhausting, Clive thought once they were all back at Chambers. The biggest meeting room had been turned into a makeshift venue. There was champagne and sandwiches on every table. The caterers had done a good job. Alan was talking to Caroline in Clive's line of vision. Jake was sitting quietly talking to Bethany. Harriet was mingling with the CPS lawyers who had attended. Clive scanned the room looking for Martha. Last time he had seen her, she was surrounded by Billy's family members. He finally caught sight of her heading past the champagne and into their old room. Harriet caught his eye and gave him a meaningful look. He turned and began to follow Martha, not really knowing who or what he was doing it for.

* * *

Martha stepped into her office and turned the light on. Sitting at her desk, she had the sudden urge to call her mum. She picked up the phone and dialled, but it rang repeatedly with no answer. She put the receiver down, not really understanding the sense of rejection she felt. She and her mother had never been close. Her dad was the one who had taken her along to political rallies, and to football games. He had helped shape who she was. The only thing she had got from her mum was a love of red lipstick, which her mother had always worn when she needed to put a brave face on. Still, since her grandfather had passed away last year, her mum was the only family she had left. Now Billy was gone too. At that thought a sob welled up in the back of her throat and she put her face in her hands, making a strange strangled sound as she tried to stop the tears that were running down her cheeks.

There was a soft tap on the open door and she looked up to see Clive standing motionless in the doorway. "What do you want?" she snapped, furiously wiping away the tears, although there was no point trying to hide them.

"I just - thought you might want to talk..." Clive began awkwardly.

"Well, you thought wrong," Martha had regained control of her voice. "Just leave me alone, will you?"

But instead of turning to leave, Clive came over to the desk and put a hand on her shoulder. He bent down to wrap an arm around her and in spite of herself she found herself curling in to a place where she had always found comfort before. She pressed her face against his shoulder as he rubbed her back. "Shh. C'mon, Martha, it's okay."


	4. Chapter 4

**Note:** We have reached the end... of this story anyway, I still want to write for Silk and plan to write about the missing two years between S2 and S3 eventually. In the meantime, thanks to everyone who has reviewed or followed this one and to the people I have exchanged messages with on here, especially Ansy Pansy and Ami Meitsu. Enjoy!

* * *

Martha let the sobs come, her face still buried against Clive's shoulder. She still felt exhausted but the feeling of despair had ceased to overwhelm her. His arms felt strong and warm wrapped around her. Clive always did give good hugs. The feckless bastard.

Eventually the tears ran out. She remembered why she was angry with him and disentangled herself. He stepped back from the desk as she composed herself and got to her feet.

Clive watched as she put her coat on. He wished he could put into words everything he wanted to say. He had felt proud of her earlier, watching her speak at the funeral. But then, he'd always been proud of her, whether he was watching her defend the hopeless cases in court or even when she had got silk ahead of him. He'd been jealous too of course, but also proud.

"Martha..." he began.

"You forced him out, you and Harriet." Martha burst out. "He just wanted to spend the last few months of his life here with his family, and you took that away from him."

"That's not fair."

Martha shook her head and moved past him, towards the door.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going home."

"Look, I loved Billy, too."

Martha turned to leave. "You don't know the meaning of the word, Clive," was her parting shot.

* * *

_Martha stood in front of all her colleagues, ready to articulate why she should be their new Head of Chambers. This was her home. She was the only one who had Shoe Lane's best interests at heart._

_"Who am I?" she began. Her voice faltered. She looked at Clive, then at Billy. She had a whole speech prepared - passionate, inspiring - y__et, as she looked out at the expectant crowd, she felt the words dying on her lips. Clive, who had given her an appraising look as she got up to speak, as if wondering how she was going to top his speech, now just looked sad. She didn't really understand why. She looked from Billy's puzzled, pained expression to Clive's inexplicably sad eyes and then found herself turning and heading for the exit._

* * *

Martha lay in bed staring up at the ceiling, her mind turning over the events of yesterday. She had a strange, empty feeling. Planning Billy's funeral had given her purpose, in a way it had even distracted her from remembering that Billy was gone for good. Now she had to accept it.

Then there was the Bar Standards Board. Was she going to go through with her threat and call them? If she did, why would she be doing it? Was it for the sake of Chambers or would it just be for revenge? She thought about Clive and realised that she wasn't really angry with him any more. Something he had said months ago flashed through her mind: "_I'm just sick of us always being against each other._" She was sick of it too, truth be told.

She got out of bed and dressed slowly before moving into the bathroom to brush her teeth. She stood in front of the sink and looked at herself in the mirror. Then she walked to the telephone, picked it up and began to dial.

* * *

"Well? Did you talk to her?" Harriet demanded.

They were alone in the clerks' room. "Yes, I talked to her. Just not about the Bar Standards Board."

"So you don't know if she's going to drop it?" Clive shrugged. "You'll have to try again then. Keep working on her-"

"No, Harriet." Clive interrupted. He was tired, tired of the politics and the game-playing. "No more. I can't do it."

"You don't have a choice, Clive. The future of Chambers is at stake. It doesn't matter how you get her to drop it, just make sure you do."

"Harriet, listen to me. What Martha does it up to her. I can't stop her, and I'm not going to try. I'm Head of Chambers, and you work for me, not the other way round. Now get on with your job."

He had just started to walk back into his room when Harriet's voice stopped him. "You never would have made it this far without me." He turned to look at her. "I could make all the CPS work disappear."

He knew it was true, had always known what would happen if this partnership didn't work out but had pushed it to the back of his mind. "That's a risk I'll have to take." He closed the door behind him.

* * *

Martha walked through the clerks' room and knocked on the door to her and Clive's office. It felt strange to be knocking, but she wanted to keep this brisk and professional. "Come in!" called Clive's voice. He sounded stressed and she wondered if the pressure of being Head of Chambers was getting to him already. She opened the door.

Clive was sitting at his desk, which was covered in paperwork. His whole demeanor changed when he saw Martha. He stood up. "Hi."

"Hi," Martha put her handbag down without taking her coat off. She wasn't planning on staying long. "Look, I'm sorry about yesterday."

He nodded. "Me too."

She brushed this off. "I just came to tell you, I'm not going to contact the Bar Standards Board. In fact... I'm going back to Bolton tonight."

"For a break?" he asked.

"No, for good." Clive looked uncomprehending. "I'm going to stay with my mum for a bit - I spoke to her this morning - until I get settled. I'm sure I can find another chambers up there - I might even start my own, you never know." Clive still didn't say anything. "Anyway, I just wanted to let you know. Will you say goodbye to everyone for me?" Without waiting for an answer she picked up her bag again and stepped out of the door.

* * *

_Clive stood in front of the rest of Chambers, basking in the approval of the room as they applauded him. He wished the boys at school could see him now. He'd done it, he'd made it. This was the most triumphant moment of his life, more so than getting silk. They'd chosen him._

_Billy stepped up to him quietly. "Where's Martha?"_

* * *

"Martha!"

Martha was walking past the bench where she had sat with Billy just after she had got silk when she heard her name being called. She turned to see Clive running down the street towards her. He reached her and dropped his hands to his side.

"Martha, don't do this. You don't have to leave because of me."

She nearly smiled. "It's not just about you, Clive."

"I'm sorry about Harriet. It didn't mean anything. I was just jealous of you and Sean. It was a stupid mistake..."

Martha listened as the excuses poured out of his mouth, knowing the whole time he was speaking that there was nothing he could say that would make it completely better, that even if he could it wouldn't make a difference. She had to go home. She needed to get away from the memories of Billy, and Shoe Lane. She had to patch things up with her mum before it was too late.

"Clive. Stop." Her eyes filled with tears. "Look, don't beat yourself up. It's just who you are. I knew that." He opened his mouth to protest but she cut him off again. "It wasn't just your fault. I know I pushed you away. If I hadn't, maybe things would have been different. But we'll never know now."

"We could try again." Clive's face was pleading. "Give me a chance and I'll make it up to you..."

She shook her head. She had to be strong here. "What, with you as Head of Chambers? Me switching to prosecution?"

"You wouldn't have to. We could work something out..."

"Clive, it's too late." He was shaking his head. "I can't do this any more. Even if I stayed, things could never be the same again. If I moved to another chambers around here, we might be up against each other in court every other week. I can't live like that. Can you?" He stared at her. "I still want us to be friends..."

"Don't." His face had switched to a mask.

She stepped closer to him and kissed him on the cheek. "I'll be in touch, okay? Give me a call if you need anything."

Clive was silent as she walked away from him. She kept walking with her head held up. At the last moment she stopped and looked back. Clive was standing perfectly still, in the same place she had left him in. She turned and carried on walking until she reached home.


End file.
